Making Manly Men Motivational Monologue by Ryan

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Have you ever asked yourself, “what could I do this year to make myself more manly?” Or maybe this, “What do the mostly manly of all men do in the summer?” If so, I have an answer for you. It’s called The Manly Men’s Bike Trip Extravaganza and you can be part of it too. Before I went on the trip I had the same questions for myself. I would look at a manly man like Justin and think, “what is it that gives him such a manly edge?” Or I would notice the strong manly silence of Warren and think, “how does a man speak so little, but say so much?” And in my worst moments I would just look at Cam’s genetically perfect cheek bones and wonder, “maybe some are just born as manly men, and others will just always live as boys?” Dear reader, let me tell you, all of this has changed. There is a recipe for making manly men, and I will tell you what it is…

It all begins with a boy and a dream, a manly man dream. Next, one must buy a bicycle. Now bicycles range from manly (like Andrew’s road bike, which pretty much drives itself) to quite manly (like Kyle’s bike which you must have a rippling six pack to operate) all the way to super manly (like Justi and Warren whose mountain bikes have no business on the road and actually work against them). But I must warn you, get a bike that matches your level of manliness. I watched an ultra-manly man named Nolan take a regular man bike part way up the mountain. But the outcome was inevitable. Do you know what happened? Do you know what happens when you combine an ultra-manly man with a regular man bike? Let me tell you dear reader. The bike explodes!! From the sheer force of his manliness he tore the bike in two. He did not need to climb the mountain that day, he proved his point. For the rest of us, having chosen our bicycle’s we must then find a manly outfit.

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It took me a while to understand, but slowly I started to see that the more spandex you wear, the manlier you are. Loose clothing? That is for wannabe men. One piece skin tight leotard? Now you are arriving at Andrew-level manliness. But how do you fit into such an outfit? Ah yes dear reader, this is the next thing I learned. If you want to be manly, if you want to dress manly, if you want your manly outfit so tight that no one will be able to deny your manhood, you must watch Rob eat breakfast. While foolish men fill up on carbs or protein to energize themselves for the 80km ride ahead of them that day, manly men like Rob laugh aloud at such man mockery. Instead, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a single peanut. For a manly man, that is all the fuel he needs.

But what of the most manly men of all? Those who proved their manhood long ago, and no longer need to take part in such boyish manly man games? I have seen this too dear reader. They come along for the ride. They take pictures. They look after everyone. They keep us all safe. They cheer on their manly man boys, and they tell you some of the funniest stories you will ever hear in your life. And if they are manly enough, they get the manliest man name of all:  Frank.